Q. I have a 9-year-old son from my first marriage. My ex-wife (from my second marriage) and I raised my son together for 5 years. We split up 2 years ago, but she is still in my son’s life and spends a few hours with him every week. My new partner is resentful of even the smallest amount of time my son spends with her and demands that I no longer allow him to see her. She is really the only mom my child knows. Should I end my son’s relationship with his former bonus parent to make my new partner happy? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 4 is “Bioparents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.” That means it’s up to the parents to establish clear boundaries and up to their partners to do their best to respect the rules that are in place.
Your son and his bonus mom had a relationship before your new partner came into the picture. If this relationship is positive, and helps the child to feel loved and secure, of course he’s going to want to continue to see her. If your child thinks your new partner is behind his not being able to see his bonus mom, he could take it very personally and it could undermine any relationship your new partner might build with your son.
Children have enough love to go around — you can see, it’s the adults who complicate things.
It sounds as if your new partner may be confusing your relationship with your ex to your son’s relationship with her. But she must understand that your support of the relationship is actually in your son’s best interest. Being the only mother your son has known, his bonus mom is a symbol of security and love in a turbulent time.
Finally, a note about bonus. You referenced your ex-wife as your son’s former bonus mom. Bonus is forever. If he wants to continue to use it even after a breakup, that’s perfectly fine. Bonus describes how you feel about someone. It’s not dependent on marital status.
A divorced bonus mom is still a bonus mom if you want them to be.
That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families.”/Tribune News Service
