Genevieve Roberts explores the hot topics and parenting issues she encounters while raising her three children in her weekly column, Outnumbered
When we put music on, our youngest daughter Juno, two, starts her shoulder wiggle. If it’s a good tune – her favourite is Atomic by Blondie – she’ll grab Mark’s arms to dance, close her eyes and start shaking her head. Astrid, seven, will sing while she dances; five-year-old Xavi’s moves are slightly Jarvis Cocker. When we all end up dancing, we all inevitably start laughing.
But until I read the growing body of research that suggests that dancing not only improves mood, but if it’s done as a family it’s a powerful way to nurture relationships, I had not consciously chosen tunes over telly.
Child psychologist and somatic therapist Sally Eccleston tells me: “There is something very specific about our connection through dance. Dancing together in groups helps to release feel-good endorphins, it helps us feel socially connected. It’s perfect for building bonds between family members.” She says that movement is critical for growth, while music stimulates the brain and dance helps to develop memory.
Screen time in our home fluctuates, but we’ve gone from a relaxed, activity-filled summer with films a conscious choice, to the children being exhausted from school and wanting to unwind, relax and watch bitesize episodes from the moment they get home. And I have a lot of sympathy for that; navigating a new school year is tiring.
Still, with Juno, almost two, requesting Peppa in the morning, Xavi taking the remote control to change it to Spidey and His Amazing Friends or Grizzy and the Lemmings or asking for his tablet – while making clear he feels he’s been sold short by being expected to turn up at school at all – and Astrid learning to make films on Scratch Jnr, I’m very aware that our mornings are suffering from electronic overload.
So, armed with the knowledge that dancing might be the solution, I switch the television off and start playing music – and ask the children if they want to dance. And I keep doing it. Sometimes when I notice an argument might be brewing, or if the energy is feeling stagnant. Sometimes it’s when I feel frustrated and sometimes for joy. It’s more fun when the children and Mark join in, and most of the time they do.
The first time the children found it exciting, and they were giggling within minutes. But sometimes they’re reticent or groan – and once I’m pretty sure Astrid was humouring me. Juno’s often the instigator, and rarely misses a dance. Astrid mainly asks for Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, last year it would have been George Ezra.
Eccleston has told me that when dance is energetic and synchronised, or somewhat choreographed, it encourages bonding and helps groups feel closer, according to a study of children dancing in groups from Oxford’s Institute of Cognitive and Evolutionary Anthropology. Our family might have energy, but no one could accuse our family dancing of being synchronised.
Sometimes, Xavi will ask for quiet. Anita Cleare, author of How to Get Your Teenager Out of Their Bedroom, says that if a child – or adult – isn’t keen on dancing then we can experience close connection through other activities we enjoy.
“Do activities with children in which you, as a parent, are in the moment,” she recommends. “That happens when we’re having fun. If you’re enjoying dancing with someone, it shows in our faces and when children feel we’re enjoying them they get a big hit of self-esteem and real sense of connection. We tune in and respond to what they’re doing – but only if we enjoy it.”
She suggests that if your child or teenager prefers doing other things, you can connect through that, whether watching something funny together on telly and chatting about it or playing Lego – just as long as you’re enjoying it.
“The spirit of playfulness is such an important ingredient in parenting, and I don’t mean resentfully shuffling a Lego piece around. If you’re going through the motions it’s not as high quality an experience, so move play in the direction you want, whether that’s keepy-uppy with a Lego piece or putting it on your head.” Cleare also warns that many teenagers would find the idea of dancing with their parents embarrassing.
“There could be a way that you’re playing at ‘mum dancing’ and they are participating, but if I think about teenagers and how eye-rolling they could be,” she admits.
Eccleston suggests that if children or teenagers don’t fancy a dance, just putting music on will have a positive effect. “Humans are very naturally susceptible to music,” she explains. “Just having music on in the background, they’re susceptible to the rhythm or beat.”
I’d hoped dancing might lead to the immediate change that Imogen Tinkler, mother-of-two and founder of seasonal eating and foraging company Bangers and Balls, experienced when she swapped television for music in the morning 18 months ago.
“It’s our normal now,” she tells me. Television crept into their mornings when her eldest daughter Xanthe, now seven, was five years old: she’d get her breakfast ready and flick on a screen. “We seemed to lose our sense of family in the morning. My mum is Irish, we always had a waltz around the kitchen in the morning before school. So I asked my daughters if we could try it: it’s about the connection with the children,” she remembers.
She said it was an easy switch. “By the second day, my daughter could feel the difference in herself,” she explains. “It’s a completely different morning. I’m happier, too. Dancing makes us smile. We also got a record player that’s on our sideboard in the front room, always in sight. We’ve started playing more records: every Sunday we take it in turns to choose one.” Our experience is less consistent, but we often end up laughing and will continue dancing together in the living room – at least, until the children start feeling embarrassed by my moves.