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Friday, October 11, 2024

I’m a funeral director – here’s why I want you to talk about death

From the time my parents purchased a pub and shop in Easkey, Co.Sligo, Ireland, with a hearse attached, in 1974, when I was 14 years old, I have been drawn to death care.

From humble beginnings, the challenge of trying to get it right for both the dead and the bereaved who are left behind, is what has fuelled my calling and my lifelong learning in this field. Now 50 years later – working alongside my daughters and future son-in-law in our family business – I am reflecting on what a lifetime surrounded by the dead has taught me about living.

It would be great if none of us ever had to deal with death or the pain of losing someone close to us, but unfortunately, death is core to life itself. Many of us do manage to escape that pain for a long time – sometimes for decades and decades – but we never know when death will sweep us off our feet, blindsiding us when we least expect it.

It has taught me that life is unpredictable: I have witnessed so many different ways that people depart this life and yet know that I can never predict where my next call will come from, who will be profoundly affected, or where we will have to go in order to begin the process of looking after that person’s remains.

I have had to deal with some terribly tragic funerals, such as parents trying to cope with the loss of a child or young adult, or watching young children say goodbye to mum or dad in a coffin, or sudden deaths as a result of an accident where someone was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The list goes on. These many encounters have taught me that we need to enjoy every day as it comes, as we may not have a tomorrow with a person we greatly love.

There have also been unusual things that have happened in the course of funerals, many of which can be connected with the deceased. There is often little logical explanation for these happenings. I’m a very spiritual person and while others believe differently, it is my belief that those who have passed, aren’t too far away and are giving us a sign of their presence.

One example was a delay to a funeral caused by a herd of goats on the motorway enroute from London to Holyhead. This might not seem too unusual, until you discover that the deceased person was passionate about goats. Things such as butterflies appearing totally out of season and choosing to flutter around the coffin invoke similar thoughts.

In the midst of the sadness of a funeral there can also be funny moments that break the tension. Behind the scenes, as with many jobs, unexpected things happen that bring laughter and fun, which is necessary when the everyday work is full of sadness.

Working with the dead and grieving is a constant lesson for all of us to empathise with the suffering of others and to help them in whatever way we can. Irish people have always rallied to support others in their greatest time of need. Differences are set aside and everyone helps in whatever way they can.

At the very least, we should all learn to show compassion in our workplaces and communities towards those who are trying to come to terms with a death, perhaps several months or even years later. This has always been the Irish way of coping with death and long may that continue.

I want to encourage people to discuss their own death care plan openly with others. I trust others will find it helpful in finding some way of coping with death and learning that it is important to find the right person to talk to, not necessarily someone close to us. In many cases it is easier to talk to a person we are not close to when a topic cuts too close to the bone.

A life is a life and it doesn’t matter whether you enjoyed the company of a little person for a mere few hours, or if you were privileged to have spent a lifetime with them, the loss is still a huge burden to bear and adjusting to that affects everyone in different ways.

It is not an easy profession to work in, but it is a very fulfilling one, knowing that I have always tried to make it easier for others to cope with death.

I help those who are grieving, and sometimes, even those who face death themselves in the depths of terminal illness, to organise and plan a funeral and help them to talk openly to others about their final wishes. It is a very surreal experience to be working through a death care plan with someone who knows they are on that final path.

Among the correspondence I’ve had with bereaved people over the years – since appearing in a documentary called The Funeral Director in 2019 I’ve received messages from different countries – many have found peace and solace in understanding how their loved ones have been cared for. Their minds are at ease and guilt is lifted from that period where they had to trust their loved ones in the hands of others, when they had no idea of what happened behind the scenes. (This prompted me to write A Life among the Dead in order to further explore the topic).

The most important lesson I have learned from dedicating my whole life to death care is that life is short and that we should always bear this in mind in our encounters with others. It doesn’t cost anything to be generous with our time when we sense that a friend or family member is in need of a chat. That 10 minutes might be the lift that helps that person through a difficult day.

Most of all, don’t get too caught up with material things, after all, there’s not much use in being the richest person in the cemetery and unless you plan for an enormous tomb, you can take very little in that box with you enroute to the crematorium or cemetery.

So it is important to focus on the people that matter to you in life, spending time together, while you still have your lives.

‘A Life Among the Dead’ is available now in all good bookshops nationwide

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