Genevieve Roberts explores the hot topics and parenting issues she encounters while raising her three children in her weekly column, Outnumbered
How much is my parenting affected by social media? Would I feel so disappointed in myself when I shout at the children if I didn’t scroll through other parents appearing perfectly regulated in the face of almost anything life throws at them?
Would I have thought it so important for Astrid, now seven, to experience a Scandi start to life, in the form of a forest school nursery, if I hadn’t seen so many outdoor parenting posts? (She didn’t, and appears unharmed).
Would I have felt more positive about my body when Juno was six months old if I hadn’t read fitness coach Joe Wicks praising his wife in an Instagram post for getting back in shape postpartum and training despite being newborn-exhausted?
What’s worse is that most of the time I don’t even notice I’m affected by the scrolling, which I do, confusingly, in the name of relaxation. I’m sometimes dismissive of social media’s powers, with a ridiculous half-belief that I gained immunity from influence because I learned how suggestible we all are during a brief year working in an advertising agency in 2007 BI (Before Instagram).
But in reality, none of us who scroll are immune. Even parenting experts are questioning the conflicting advice and unachievable portrayals of motherhood, and saying they feel the effects of comparison culture, so what chance do the rest of us have?
Perhaps it’s not that surprising that 73 per cent of mums compare themselves to other parents in their feeds, according to a survey from Little Sleepies pyjama brand – though I felt more concerned to read that 59 per cent feel they’re failing as parents, or failing their children, by not measuring up to others online.
Meanwhile, 37 per cent have felt pressure to change how they parent, with gentle parenting being the most popular method to try.
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of The Gentle Parenting Book, tells me: “The gentle parenting I’ve been writing about for 20 years is real and achievable. I’m not so sure the new TikTok version is. I’m careful to say I mess up and it’s exhausting, and this is often lost on social media.”
She finds it frustrating to see gentle parenting misconstrued on traction-gaining social reels, mistakenly suggesting parents must always be calm, for example. “I don’t recognise many TikTok gentle parenting videos. They reduce it to, ‘If your child says this, here’s the gentle parenting way to handle it.’ Where are they getting their information from? We have to question everything we see online. Especially if it feels uncomfortable or too aspirational.”
Anna Mathur, psychotherapist and author of Raising a Happier Mother, says social media overall has a detrimental effect on her mental health and parenting attention. She believes it’s both one of the most destructive tools of our digital age and one of the most powerfully uniting.
“We’re hardwired to believe what we see, so it takes a lot of energy to coach ourselves that on social media things aren’t all they seem. The more frazzled we are, the less we’re able to see it through that healthier lens and more likely we are to be drawn into quite destructive comparison,” she says.
However, she’s found the social media neurodivergent parenting community invaluable. “I’ve seen myself reflected in other’s words, and it’s chipped away at damaging shame,” she explains.
“People share their experiences and it’s acutely encouraging, empowering and comforting. If you’re living an experience of motherhood not reflected in friendships around you, you will find people through social media that get it and it meets a deep human need to feel seen.”
I’ve learned the power of online community through solo mums’ social media groups: it’s surprised me what strong connections I’ve forged given how little I know these women in real life.
But not all communities are welcoming. Leila Green, mother of triplets aged two, was shocked to find “toxic” tribes. On Facebook, she regrets joining a breastfeeding multiples group. “It wasn’t helpful that they made out it was easy,” she says. “It’s probably a small group of people banging their drum so loud it gave me a skewed perspective of what was expected of me.”
Ockwell-Smith believes we live in parenting bubbles online by joining specific parenting style groups, following specific people and being served by the algorithm. “It’s good if it boosts confidence and reassurance, but it’s important to realise that it’s not entirely indicative of ‘the real world’,” she says.
For Green, those parenting bubbles undermined her confidence at a time she felt vulnerable as a new parent. On Instagram, she started following some of the same accounts as a mum-friend. “I thought I’d connect with more Earth Mother figures, but their message that you should be in bed with your baby for 40 days after giving birth, that you won’t bond if you don’t have skin-to-skin, or breastfeed, or co-sleep, felt unfair and made me angry,” she says.
“For many of us it’s not possible – my children were in intensive care – and social media played into my fears about bonding. On social media you’re in an echo chamber, so the next five things you see suggest co-sleeping and spending 40 days after birth bonding in bed with your baby.”
Hannah O’Donoghue, mother of a seven-year-old and two-year-old and social media marketing expert, says that we’re “funnelled” into seeing more of our interests. “You can be pigeonholed – never using the word ‘no’ to your children, for example – and will see it mirrored, rather than that everyone is parenting differently.”
Alternatively, if you’re searching a subject such as sleep, rather than an echo chamber you might find clashing approaches – and not know which is best. This is Nicole Ratcliffe’s experience: she was so bamboozled by contradictory information on social media when her baby wouldn’t sleep for eight months that she ended up training as a sleep coach herself.
“Sleep was my rabbit hole and it destroyed me,” she says. “Nothing I did was right according to whatever advice I was reading at the time. People saying it’s fine to leave your baby to cry it out while others say to never put your baby down and co-sleep. How is anyone supposed to know what is right for them and their child?”
O’Donaghue combats the negatives of social media by choosing who and what she sees online, filtering out parenting influencers and key words if she’s feeling vulnerable.
“You can always unmute,” she tells me. But since having children, influencers have given her parenting confidence. “The generation above are all about putting the baby down and getting dinner on the table. I wanted to hold my baby, and found good advice to back up my instincts,” she says. This sounds like a wise way to use social media: to back up instincts, rather than letting it lead the way and ignore parental intuition.
Mathur says people who aren’t used to following their instincts often find navigating social media particularly hard. “If you’re lacking in self-confidence, self-esteem, or a close knit circle who can validate and encourage you, you’re understandably going to be looking externally for those things.”
I’m comforted by her belief that while social media might present a curated world of perfection, our children need our imperfections. “Perfect parenting will not prepare a child to navigate a highly imperfect world,” she believes.
“Children need to be disappointed by us in healthy ways. They need to fight boundaries, and see us repair and reconnect after we’ve had our own meltdowns. These will teach them to navigate disappointment and equip them to apologise and reconnect when they experience a rupturing relationship.”
It’s something I’ll remind myself of the next time I inevitably start believing too much in the carefully chosen snapshots of other’s lives.
How to navigate the mum-ternet
Tips from author and psychotherapist Anna Mathur, and Rosey Davidson, the founder of Just Chill Baby Sleep company:
Curate your experience so you feel good
You get to choose who you follow, and who you mute. If following certain people or subjects is having a detrimental affect on your mental health, you don’t have to see their posts.
Step into the real world
Meeting up with parents will give you balance if your online interactions are skewed.
Focus on a few trusted sources
Check out experts’ credentials before offering them your influence.
Trust your instincts
Beyond any social media accounts, trust your own gut.
Switch off
If you’re feeling too exhausted from online interaction to see people in real life, take a pause, reduce social media “snacking” conversations, and prioritise face-to-face.