Have you ever thought about how much you complain throughout the day? Complaining is almost a reflex, a automatic response to everything we don’t like. But what happens when complaining becomes a habit? Luis Garcia Ruizwriter, lecturer, business mentor and founder of the School of Learners and author of several books, explains to us how this mechanism, although natural, can be an emotional prison that distances us from the solution and anchors us in discomfort. We tell you how complaining influences your life and what you can do to transform it.
– Read: Are you one of those people who needs to blame others?
What exactly is a complaint?
Complaint comes from Latin quassiareof quassarewhich means to hit violently, to break, and expresses pain, sorrow, resentment, unease… A wide range of sensations that transmits how we feel or perceive an eventan act or a situation that displeases us or generates discomfort and, therefore, entails criticism, but with a common relationship: its negative character.
The complaint comes from frustration What we feel when we see that our expectations (what we hope will happen, what we have imagined or what we desire) have not come true and place us in the role of victim. When we complain, we discharge the blame for a situation, behavior or action in something, or in another person, using this defense mechanism that helps us not assume our responsibility in a scenario that we do not like.
Why do people frequently complain?
It is obvious that who complains is dissatisfied. The bad thing is that some people They choose complaining as the universal response to all their problems. They spend more time and energy complaining than looking for solutions for what causes them so much dissatisfaction.
Since most of the behaviors we have are learned and We imitate our parents as children, We have the complaint programmed into our lives on a regular basis.
It is not bad to complain from time to time, as long as we subsequently have a proactive attitude. What we should not accept is to constantly complain about almost everything, without doing anything.
We complain about whether it is cold, hot, rainy, windy; about our boss or colleagues, about whether we have a lot of work or little; from our partner; of what our parents, brothers, brothers-in-law, children have done or not done or said; of politicians; that we don’t have time; that we are not capable of… and so we could continue until we make an innumerable list of complaints and regrets.
Complaining indicates a lack of responsibility towards people and situations, since we must keep in mind that, when we complain, we accuse others or to the circumstances of our unhappiness and we are exempt from all responsibility, as if our well-being depended on the outside. We become victims of our reality.
Complaints, when repeated so much, become a lifestyle, the complaints jail.
© Adobe StockWhat effects does complaining have on your mood?
There is a difference between sharing how you feel or raising a specific problem with the goal of getting advice or help, and simply complain without intention of acting to change the situation.
When complaining becomes a style, a habit and a predominant tendency in situations of discomfort, it becomes a counterproductive and harmful strategy for our health psychological, physical and social.
The person who complains all day is usually very demanding and perfectionist, as well as pessimistic. He spends all day saying how bad things are going for him and how bad things are happening to him and, as a result, he is always in a bad mood.
When you complain regularly, your mind tends to focus on what’s wrong. This can lead to a negative and self-critical mindset, which lowers your self-esteem. In my case, I became a compulsive complainer which led me to a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, as I share in my first book Start living now.
Complaining does not change situations, people or things, it only informs us that reality does not please us.
– Read: How to end the tyranny of negative thoughts
Does constant complaining affect personal relationships?
Complaining often creates a cycle where you feel bad about yourself and your life. The more you complain, the more negative your mental state becomeswhich in turn leads you to complain even more.
The incessant mania for complaining ends up wearing out relationships and keeping people away from your life.
The chronic negativity It can be draining on those around you, which can affect your relationships and sense of connection.
© Getty ImagesWhy do some people complain more than others?
We have heard the complaint constantly and that leads us to be complaining 24 hours a day. Sometimes, to make conversation, we start to tell our sorrows and we have become accustomed to it, being our star topic. Being judging others and ourselves, looking for that failure so we can criticize it and complain about what has happened to us or what has been done to us.
We all complain at some point. And on certain occasions, we complain a lot more. We probably all need to complain as an escape route in some situation. To a large extent, complaining is a way to vent, to express an emotion, to release tension.
Some people can’t stop complaining about how bad things are for them because they simply they feel misunderstood. But when it becomes something everyday, you have to listen carefully and understand where that complaint comes from, what effects it has on the person who makes it, and what effects it has on us.
– Read: This is what people with a victim complex are like
What physical consequences can complaining too much have?
Some research seems to suggest that continued complaining increases cortisol levelswhich increases the experience of stress and places the body in a situation similar to that of attack or flight.
If complaints about work become habitual, it becomes more automatic to notice the negative, and more challenging to perceive the positive about other things in life. Frequent complaints put us at the same kind of risk as chronic stress. When the mind perceives a threat, as happens when we constantly remind ourselves how bad things are at work, the body’s stress response is activated. Complaints can make you physically and emotionally sick.
What is the difference between complaining and expressing a legitimate concern?
Complaint is, in essence, the expression of an emotion, and it is preferable to express what you feel than to repress it, as long as it does not cause harm to others.
It’s normal to vent. It can be liberating to have someone listen to us because it helps us feel less stressed, knowing that we have people in our lives who understand what we are going through and are with us.
We need to vent from time to time. But many of us exaggerate sometimes. Complaining is not badbut doing it for small things, that don’t really matter, is. Complaining does not solve anything, unless we use it only to vent briefly. This is effective when it is not repetitive over time; Otherwise, it is inoperative, since it does not provide solutions.
Any habitual thought or behavior can become prone to repetition. In that sense, complaining is no different from getting into a certain routine: the more you do it, the more automatic it becomes.
– Read: 5 tips to get out of the loop of constant complaining
© Getty ImagesWhat alternatives are there to express discontent without falling into complaints?
One has to differentiate a complaint from a claimsince they are two different ways of expressing discomfort. In the first case, if the person does not take responsibility for what they are complaining about, all they are doing is blaming themselves as a defense mechanism. What we would have to do is turn this complaint into a lever of change and get involved to reverse the situation that seems unfair to us or we don’t like.
Complaining does not have to be synonymous with weakness nor bad manners if it is done with a constructive purpose, providing alternatives and as a search for a solution and not as a habit. The frequency, intensity, content of the complaint and the way it is expressed is what makes the difference between what is functional and what is harmful.
We may not be able to change everything that happens in our lives, but we can at least try. have a little self-control and complain less frequently, be more grateful with the things that do work or move on to constructive complaints.
When complaining, we state that things have not gone as we thought or that the other has not acted as we wanted, requesting that they be resolved. But the complaint is not resolved from the outside, but from within ourselves, from our own interior.
The fact of ask ourselves honestly What purpose does the complaint we are making serve us and what we gain from it will allow us to discover what we need. When you become aware that you are in complaining mode, you see those things that you usually complain about.
Express yourself, but don’t complain without conscience. And, above all, the important twist of stopping complaining is to do the opposite and practice gratitude. I encourage you to do this simple exercise after 24 hours without complaining; you will be surprised.
