Hello and welcome to Conference Confidential!
My name is Marie Le Conte and I would like to begin today’s newsletter with a plea to conference reception organisers. You see, I have been to a number of drinks and parties over the past few days, and nearly all of them had one thing in common: the music there was deafeningly loud.
If you are reading this and have a bash on this evening, I am speaking to you right now. Please turn down the music tonight. You know you want to. There are vanishingly few people under the age of 30 at conference, and we are spending all our days talking as it is. We no longer want to then spend our nights screaming at each other.
Believe me, no one looks dignified bellowing: “I UNDERSTAND THE BUDGET IS COMING NEXT MONTH AND I MEAN RACHEL’S SPEECH WAS FINE BUT IT COULD HAVE HAD MORE PIZZAZZ” over, for some reason, Kesha’s Tik Tok. It is also unlikely that anyone will decide to burst into dance at any point. Hell, even if they wanted to, there would not be any space for them to do so, given how rammed every event is.
Please, please help us save our ears and throats. It’s not too late for you to do the right thing. Thank you.
Why is no one happy?
After yesterday’s whinge fest, I feel I ought to start by highlighting some optimists. On my way into the conference centre yesterday, I bumped into a well-connected Labour wag and asked him how he was feeling. “Why is no one happy about Labour being in government?”, he asked me. “The only person I’ve seen who seemed genuinely happy was John Ashworth, and he’s not even an MP anymore!”
It was a reasonable point, and echoed by a Tory-flavoured wonk I saw in the evening. “I can’t believe how miserable these people are!” he told me with genuine surprise. “If these were Tories they’d be feeling so victorious they wouldn’t let some stories about clothes stop them in their tracks…”
Again, he wasn’t wrong. There is nothing the Labour party hates more than 1) good things happening to them and 2) the Labour party, though it isn’t clear that the Conservatives’ approach to power has served them particularly well either. A middle ground really should be found between “constant self-loathing” and “unshakeable self-confidence”.
Still, senior Labour figures are doing their best to put these “stories about clothes” behind them, and it isn’t really working. At a panel on standards in public life, Lucy Powell tried very hard to hold the line but wasn’t always convincing. Asked if Goodies Gate may reinforce people’s feeling that “politicians are all the same and all in it for themselves”, the leader of the House of Commons turned combative.
“I don’t really accept that portrayal of the situation”, she said. Though “there is no question that we are in a long-standing era of crisis of trust in politics and politicians”, she “would very strongly refute suggestions that this government is somehow in hock to outside influences”.
Though she wouldn’t be drawn into blaming the media, she argued that “the vast majority of the public would rather MPs didn’t get paid a penny, they think we should do what we do as a public endeavour, and there shouldn’t be a situation where you’re in receipt of so-called gifts”.
A more cynical newsletter writer may argue that “earning a salary” and “receiving endless freebies from people with further motives” are hardly comparable, despite Powell’s best efforts, but I wouldn’t dream of doing so.
She may have been right in saying that expectations are higher for Labour politicians, but complaining about things you can’t change will never get you very far in politics. The truth is that voters now care about donations in a way they perhaps didn’t use to, and things may have to change if the Government wants the focus to return to things they do want to talk about.
If there is one thing they should learn from their predecessors, it is that choosing to ignore an issue doesn’t mean that the country at large will take your lead. Still, they really could do with cheering up a bit.
Finally…
I have two pieces of advice I would like to offer my fellow conference goers. Firstly: do you struggle telling the difference between youthful young men in dark blue suits who are new members of Parliament and youthful young men in dark blue suits who aren’t? You’re not alone, but I think I’ve found a trick.
Look at them when they’re outside, and see if there’s someone there holding an umbrella for them. No one would hold out an umbrella for a junior account executive at a public affairs firm. It’s the only way to tell them apart.
Secondly: did you manage to nab an invite to some oh-so-exclusive party but wish you could take your friend with you? No problem – a number of receptions this year have stamped the hands of people wishing to pop out for a smoke so they can come back in again. Simply get your friend round once you’ve acquired said stamp, lick it then press your wet skin on theirs. The stamp will transfer onto their hand. Old student trick; still does the job. You’re very welcome.
Marie’s newsletter will be sent to your inbox on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Sign up here: inews.co.uk/my-account/newsletters
