Menendez Brothers Recall Murder Aftermath, Deny They Were Having ‘A Good Time’ Post-Killings

Erik and Lyle Menendez have been behind bars for over three decades after killing their parents — Jose and Kitty Menendez — in their Beverly Hills mansion in 1989, something they have never denied.

In their own documentary for the streaming giant — The Menendez Brothers, being released on October, 7 — the pair spoke out for the first time together in 30 years from prison, in an attempt to share their side of the story.

While the doc hasn’t dropped yet, some outlets have already started sharing quotes from the brothers online. Per excerpts via TIMEthe two express surprise they weren’t arrested until seven months after their parents were killed.

“The gunpowder residue was all over our hands … There were gun shells in my car,” Erik reportedly said. “If they would have just pressed me, I wouldn’t have been able to stand with any questioning. I was in a completely broken and shattered state of mind. I was shell-shocked.”

Lyle, meanwhile, described his arrest as coming with a “feeling of some relief” after holding onto the “secret” patricide, adding, “Like so many of the emotions in that time of my life, it doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

As for the couple spending a lot of money in the immediate aftermath of the crime — something dramatized on Ryan Murphy’s show by excessive spending on goods and hotel parties — the insist it as all to distract themselves from grief.

“The idea that I was having a good time is absurd,” Erik said, per TIME. “Everything was to cover up this horrible pain of not wanting to be alive.” Lyle also recalled that while it may have looked like he was having a good time, “without my father helping directly my life, I was quite lost.”

“A part of Erik and I died that night,” he said added.

In another sneak peek from the upcoming Netflix documentary via PEOPLEErik opens up about a 17-page letter his brother wrote him, which was found during a sweep of their cells.

The letter was supposedly written after the murders but before the sexual abuse allegations about their parents became public; in it, Lyle admitted the two were responsible for the deaths of their parents and reportedly alluded to the family’s allegedly dark past and his reluctance to talk about it in public, as well as an escape plan.

In the doc, Erik, now 53, is heard saying “Lyle couldn’t express what he did in that letter in person.”

“It was easier for him to put it on paper. He felt that telling the sick secrets of the family would be like killing our parents again and he didn’t want to do it,” he continued.

According to Erik, the letter was never meant to be found — with him saying he was supposed to “destroy” the letter.

“Ultimately, it became clear — particularly after they found that jail letter and there was no way around saying what happened — because they had that note, they had a confession, that we were responsible for my parents death,” Lyle is then heard saying.

“It was a precious letter to me,” Erik adds in the documentary. “It was one of those moments when Lyle was really expressing his own pain and I didn’t want to just throw it away because that didn’t happen often between us.”

The doc will also feature interviews from a lawyer for their defense team, jurors, expert witnesses, and journalists who covered the case in the early 1990s.

The documentary comes after Murphy’s eight-part dramatic series Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Story with Netflix. The streaming giant’s online publication, Tudum said the doc will tell “the true story in their own words.”

On August 20, 1989, Erik and Lyle Menendez brutally murdered their parents, Jose and Kitty Menendez, with two 12-gauge shotguns. The brothers were both found guilty of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility for parole.

The brothers never denied they murdered their parents. Their entire defense strategy hung on them trying to convince the jury why they killed them in cold blood. Their testimony, as well as testimony from many of their relatives, alleged years of physical and mental abuse from both parents, but mainly at the hands of their father.

The brothers claimed their father sexually molested them for years.

Both men are at the RJ Donovan Correctional Facility in San Diego, California. Lyle is 56, and Erik is 53.

The Menendez Brothers hits Netflix on Oct. 7. Murphy’s true crime drama series about the brothers, Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menendez Storyis now streaming on Netflix.